Thank God for Older Sisters

By the title of my blog, you can probably imagine that I am not all smiles. I'm in my mid-late 20's, which most people tell me is the prime of my life. Live it up. Be happy.

I think the 30's are the new black. The 20's are just slowly dragging you there. Kind of like what high school was to college. Hell, then the release from hell. Okay, my 20's are not hell. But sometimes they feel like that.

I'm trapped. By debt. By my insecurities. Confused. Second-guessing every decision I made over the last ten years, and every one I make now. Afraid of the future, my addictions to coffee, wine, rich foods, my lack of exercise. Annoyed by my creatively depleted job. My distant relationships with old friends. I cry instead of talk about it. Didn't I used to be this joyful, upbeat, ambitious, creative youth? What is happening?

I don't feel like this every day. And rarely when the sun is out. But yesterday, it was boiling at the surface and my sister kindly gave me the long Google Chat hug that I needed. I am printing the chat here (with a few omissions) just in case anyone else ever feels like this and needs some sound advice.

Alannah: I saw the other day that you mentioned loving Morning Becomes Eclectic...is that not the BEST way to manage menial work in front of a computer?

me: yeah, i'm glad you reminded me about that. it is so nice to listen to new music. i went to see jr. boys the other night too, and it was really fun. they are so great
although no one will effing dance. it's so annoying. i wrote a blog entry about it. haha

Alannah: ummm...where are you blogging, miss? and why don't' I know about Jr Boys?

me: hehe. well, i just started up again on blogger. i wanted to get a few entries up before telling anyone about it. and jr. boys....i'll send you some stuff

Alannah: sheesh...so many people I know have a secret blog. What's the point??? J/K

me: hah, i know....http://all-lifecrisis.blogspot.com/

Alannah: all-life crisis! I love it!!!

me: i've been feeling that way lately

Alannah: you're prob. going through quarter life mess, the lead-up to your Return of Saturn. Ugh.

me: yeah, but i've always felt that way. and the more i talk to others older than me, it's all the same. how can you ever get used to it?

Alannah: the time in your life when you're questioning everything...."should I have done this? why didn't I major in that? Is this where I REALLY planned on being at this age? Look at everyone else my age doing all this amazing stuff...THAT SHOULD BE ME"

me: and you eventually stop doing that?

Alannah: yes. Well...most of the time...no...YES, you do stop. You kind of ease into this "we all have our own paths, some peak earlier than others, I'm finding my own way, I am still special and full of awesome potential" sort of zen attitude about it. you have to ease into it or you go insane or spiral into nasty full on depression

me: yeah, i suppose you're right

Alannah: just keep in mind Oscar Wilde's famous saying "youth is wasted on the young" so make sure to do lots of fun things you won't be able to do later when you're tied to a mortgage, kids, etc. It sounds like you do that anyway....but make sure you're APPRECIATING it

me: yeah, i guess i just feel like i don't do that. like i'm already old and tied down, but i'm not

Alannah: YOU'RE SO NOT! um, trust me

me: man, house, cat, real job, etc

Alannah: I'm thinking about your bike trips, concerts, make your own plans when you want sort of things

me: yeah, you're right. i need someone constantly reminding me of that

Alannah: are things getting stale [with boyfriend]? That's the one thing in hindsight I'm really glad I did...stayed single....although when I was in my mid to late 20s I CRAVED the stability of a relationship....I'm so glad I focused on myself and my relationship w/ [my daughter] instead. That was time very well spent.

me: yeah, i think that was wise for you to do too. things aren't stale, they're just normal, you know? i am terribly afraid of being normal. i guess i need to get over that

Alannah: well shake it UP, sister! you're far from normal, too

me: thanks :)

Alannah: I am serious - real, intimate, long term relationships are NOT the norm! I keep hearing about people splitting up...people i'd thought would be together forever...it is so disheartening.
No one wants to do the hard thing....or they think the payoff of a lasting relationship isn't worth the work...or the thrill of something new overpowers them.

me: so, what's the answer? do the work and stay committed or shake it up and stay invigorated?

Alannah: oh...I meant shake it up w/in the confines of your relationship

me: i know i know, but these folks are splitting up because they're bored i think

Alannah: do something different w/ the person you love. sometimes I think it's the ROUTINE that gets us down more than anything

me: true true

Alannah: I also believe people are afraid of therapy. they're afraid of changing....but not change. Does that make sense? they think that a new situation will be the CHANGE they need...instead of realizing THEY are the ones who must do some changing

me: you're absolutely right. i just don't know what i need. or want, really. i had a long conversation with mom the other day and i think i probably made her worried about me. i was down and confused and she heard all of it

Alannah: that restless feeling is the worst...but it IS indicative of your age, unfortunately. :(

me: actually, that's good news. i was beginning to feel like it was just me. or that it would never go away. at least there's hope!

Alannah: Starting a blog is a good idea. you and I are writers and we figure things out during the process of writing...so I bet you'll find that if you write about yourself and what's going on regularly you'll start to understand what you need and what you feel

me: yeah, i think so too. i was feeling strange without writing. it's a nice outlet

Alannah: it's tough because it happens slowly and we want to figure things out NOW! and be better NOW! And get all the answers NOW! well...keep [your blog] secret for a while longer. No one needs to read it if you don't want them to. If you're worried about judgment, that's prob. a good idea

me: no, i'm not worried about that. i think it's something we all can go through together, and give advice and understand each other more. it's nice to know you're not alone

Alannah: I should send you some of my journal writings from when I was your age. I was a fucking mess! You're 26 now, right?

me: yeppers

Alannah: I was teaching at [school X]...sort of liking it, but sort of bumbling along. I never knew if I was doing the right thing and I craved guidance but didn't know how to ask for it because I was too..proud? stupid? clueless?

me: sigh.....yes, I guess I just feel more confused than proud, but i'm sure that's hidden in there somewhere too...anyway, enough about me. thank you for talking me through it. i really appreciate it. I think sometimes we are afraid to talk about it with people because we assume they do not care and would rather not hear about the complaining.

...................................................................................

This morning I asked her if I could use this.

me: hi, i was wondering if you minded if i post part of our chat on my blog? i will take out your name and anything personal. it was really good for me to talk and i liked your advice a lot. i could send it to you first if you'd like

Alannah: Quoting Bill Withers "Keep on using me.....until you use me up!"

me: hahahahhahhah

Alannah: so no, I don't mind at all...you can even keep my name in. I don't care.

What would i do without her?