holidaze

it's wednesday.
i'm having a cup of tea.
the train whistle is blowing in the background
the music hums.
it is almost Christmas -
the unwrapping of gifts, the red glow of the tree decorations,
bottle after bottle of wine, my mother's laugh,
a puzzle covering the dining table for days,
warm blankets,
snow.

happy halloween

"Dream tonight of peacock tails,
Diamond fields and spouter whales.
Ills are many, blessings few,
But dreams tonight will shelter you.

Let the vampire's creaking wing
Hide the stars while banshees sing;
Let the ghouls gorge all night long;
Dreams will keep you safe and strong.

Skeletons with poison teeth,
Risen from the world beneath,
Ogre, troll, and loup-garou,
Bloody wraith who looks like you,

Shadow on the window shade,
Harpies in a midnight raid,
Goblins seeking tender prey,
Dreams will chase them all away.

Dreams are like a magic cloak
Woven by the fairy folk,
Covering from top to toe,
Keeping you from winds and woe.

And should the Angel come this night
To fetch your soul away from light,
Cross yourself, and face the wall:
Dreams will help you not at all."

— Thomas Pynchon

is it always going to feel this way?

the wind is running its fingers fiercely through the trees
outside my window and i wonder,
why is it always easier to be honest to a blank page?

Listen to Olsen Olsen by Sigur Ros

Foxfire: Confessions of a Girl Gang

"The strangeness of Time. Not in its passing, which can seem infinite, like a tunnel whose end you can't see, whose beginning you've forgotten, but in the sudden realization that something finite, has passed, and is irretrievable."

Joyce Carol Oates

the great struggle

Help!
I should be working, writing, washing my clothes. Why
am I constantly having this heated argument with my best
self - consciously creating a situation where I slip slowly
into a state of unmotivated malaise?

The real problem is

resting

on the fact

that all I want is to be sitting on the beach
with a pint of ben and jerrys and a glass of bordeaux.

Pendulum

High then low,
up and down,
black or white.
Day and night,
happy and sad
heaven or hell

In breath, out
top of the world,
then crashing
tip of the iceberg,
all the way in.

Cry or shout.
Just when you think
you can't sleep any longer
the sun will come out -

Just a Taste....

I think I was happy in my dream last night
or was that this morning?
I can't remember
what happy feels like, but it seems
I was light.
no pressure in my shoulders.
I must have been drinking wine or coffee,
but now I'm making that up -
because that is what happy would feel like
awake
and maybe in this alternate reality I create
when I am breathing calmly
fresh sheets snuggled in around me
mind shut off from internal nagging,
happy is cool breezes and lush foliage
playing in moonlit stares,
maybe happy is calm
and I will never get there
awake.